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Archive for October, 2009

What can I ever know about your soul?  Of your temptations, your opportunities, your struggles?  How can I trust wholeheartedly in what I do not see and can not hear?  So many questions in my mind.  Did I love too much or love too little?  …

Regardless of your answers, these things i know.  I had the pleasure of rubbing the bottom of your foot with the top of mine, you had the pleasure of pressing your palm on soft curve of my lower back.  We felt joy.  We opened the deepest parts of ourselves to each other.  My searching lips had the pleasure of tenderly grazing the corners of your mouth, your fingertips had the pleasure of tracing the outlines of my face.  We laughed and dreamed together.  We created personalities for and grew to love inanimate objects.  We knew the serenity of each other’s smile.  You kissed my eyes.  I felt the heat radiate from your smooth skin. The gasps of pleasure.  The squeals of delight.  I felt your sweet, soft breath upon my neck.  The comfort.  The way you made me feel safe.   You appreciated the help of my practical side.  You corrected my errors but felt proud of my trying.  The way we took care of each other.  The way you felt a current go through your stomach with the slightest of my touches.  I loved your lamb.  You laughed at mango salad.  We shared poetry and music.  We shared film and art.  Our caresses evoked the lover from the friend.  Our sense of possession evoked the guardian from the child.  We made plans.  We learned.  We travelled.  Christmas.  Letters.  Photographs.  Surprise arrivals.  Gifts.  Letters.  Music.  Home videos,  We experienced.  We supported through hard times.  We made promises.  The texture of skin, the scent, the taste.  The changes in temperature, the slightest movements that would make each hair stand on end. We celebrated important occasions.  We learned from each other.  The beautiful words.  The beautiful intentions.  The tears, happy and sad.  Pride.  The moments that took our breath away.  y mas y mas y mas.  I simply can not do everything justice.  So much is lacking in these memories.  What there was… falling in love… realizing pure, unconditional love, feeling complete if only for a short moment in time.  These are the films that play on the screens of the inside of my eyelids.   These are the sensations I try to hard to evoke with the absence of touch.

It wasn’t enough.  It wasn’t enough.  So many plans… so many feelings yet to experience, yet to share.

And the future…
…… “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back to you, its yours.  If it doesn’t, it never was.”  – Richard Bach, 1936

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What I long for are those quiet moments where boundaries dissolve into a delicious all-encompassing oneness, and there’s the peace of mind that comes from knowing that you are here for me whenever for whatever.  That you’re proud to be my man and want to share it with the world.  I want our great conversations about everything and nothing.  Discussing dreams and desires and knowing its safe to share things we could never say to anyone else.  The ability to hold each other.  Explosions of passion.  Sleeping side by side.  Jumping  around with celebratory excitement when we win.  Giving warmth and support when we lose.  The strength to test the boundaries of our weaknesses, knowing that when we get in over our heads a rescue mission is already on the way.

Every breath affirms that we are loved and that our love overcomes all obstacles.  Love and patience can endure inexplicable temper tantrums, arrogant assertions of opinion, phone calls in the middle of dinner, debates over practicality, back pain, urinary tract infections, lessons, long working hours, irritating music, nosy relatives, high expectations, bad table manners, bad attitudes, new foods, bad hair cuts, bad hair colours, gaining weight, sharp finger nails, snoring, white lies, too many tears, forgotten text messages, and even episodes of insanity.  Nothing can hold love back.  It should overcome anything and everything.  The world looks differently, or maybe we just look at it differently.

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Never before have I realized that love, like everything else in life that really matters requires serious genuine effort.  Muas and holds and nights and mornings wrapped in each other go a long way toward making love last, but they aren’t enough by themselves which is why occasionally our relationship is almost as exhausting as it is invigorating.  I know its hard enough taking responsibility for our own feelings, let alone looking after each other’s heart as well.

Which brings me to the second thought – fear, my obstacle to love.  Fear of being hurt, fear of not being good enough, fear of being replaced.  But is fear natural?  Is it normal?  No one likes to be vulnerable and exposed.  If you can’t have a difference of opinion without getting your head bitten off, or if you are constantly being criticised, or bullied, or analysed, then maybe its not a perfect match.  Of course I have my flaws, but surely the elements of my personality that make me unique and special must flourish?  I want to be understood, I want to be appreciated, I want to develop for the better, I want you to be proud of me, I don’t want to be a project, I don’t want a lesson everyday, I don’t want to be dulled down, I don’t want to feel defensive, self-conscious…..

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Sometimes the dark, angry cloud evaporates as quickly as it built up, and all is forgiven and forgotten.  And sometimes it doesn’t – in which case, heartache is a certainty, and tragically,sometimes for me it feels like we, two-people who seemed so right for each, now have my hopes and dreams disappearing.  Sometimes the power of a quiet apology, in word, or in deed, a little effort to understand, to reach out, to reconnect, to return lost smiles- brings everything back.

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In its early states, love is beyond wonderful.  Each moment together feels like a passionate, magical embrace.  We exist together in perpetual sunshine and feel as though our feet are a few inches above the ground.  So our perceptions of ourselves and each other might have been a bit idealized.   We tend to forget that even Romeo and Juliet did not, in actual fact, end very well at all.  So what is the truth?  The truth is that love is always beautiful and it may even feel perfect, but it can never be so, not all the time.

Being in love is exquisite.  But two independently minded people like us have similar but always slightly different needs, and these differences keep us on our toes.  Surprises keep our love exciting and fresh, but sometimes it seems as if we come from different planets.  Take a simple misunderstanding, combine it with a little poor communication, include some distance, then add some emotional baggage from the past and the romance starts to flounder.  A civil conversation can break down because of a few careless or caustic remarks… and then war is declared!

We deserve to be happy, not just as a couple, but as individuals, as lucky, lovely, unique and beautiful human beings.

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Love inspires us to do great, beautiful, terrible things and a bunch of weird and stupid stuff.  That’s because when we fall in love, our reason and perspective become distorted, and we discover the lover’s paradox.  Suddenly, we have clear purpose, but we suffer overwhelming indecision.  The affectionate attention we receive means we feel more self-affirmed and radiant than ever before, and yet we are sick with self-doubt and insecurity.

Though its wonderful in so many ways, falling in love can be a very unsettling experience.  Poetic torment churns in our souls and sometimes keeps us from sleeping.  Whenever we close our eyes, the object of our desires floats across the dreamscape toward our wanting lips.  Then in reality our molecular structure turns to water.  Personally, I try to stay calm and composed, endeavoring to present a picture of charisma and confidence, but sometimes I fail.  All those breathless secrets of my heart that I rehearsed a thousand times and now am ready to share gently with your tender ear… doesn’t come out right.

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Tengo miedo de verte I have fear of seeing you
necesidad de verte necessity of seeing you
esperanza de verte hope of seeing you
desazones de verte. uneases of seeing you.
Tengo ganas de hallarte I have willingness of finding you
preocupación de hallarte worry of finding you
certidumbre de hallarte certainty of finding you
pobres dudas de hallarte. poor doubts of finding you.
Tengo urgencia de oírte I have urgency of hearing you
alegría de oírte happiness of hearing you
buena suerte de oírte good luck of hearing you
y temores de oírte. and fears of hearing you.
O sea So to speak
resumiendo summarizing
estoy jodido I am fucked
y radiante and radiant
quizá más lo primero perhaps more the former
que lo segundo than the last
y también and also
viceversa. vice versa.

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